This post is about a strategy I've begun using recently... (as the saying goes, "we teach what we most need to learn.")

It has to do with cultivating the power to make a difference in my inner world -- so that I can be happier and more contented for myself, in my close relationships, and in my aspirations to make some kind of a difference in my outer world.

It starts with a question...

"Where am I locating power in my life - inside me, or outside of me?"

If I locate power outside of myself, that leads me to assume that when I'm uncomfortable the only way I can feel better is to control or change someone or something outside of me.

Or maybe that I have to do or achieve something in the outer world in order to feel okay.

Locating power outside of myself leads to me trying to create safety for myself by controlling the people and events around me.

On the other hand, if I locate power within myself then I liberate myself to be able to change my internal experience without waiting for a change in my outer relationships or circumstances.

How can i get better at locating power inside myself?

So how do I locate power inside myself? 

Dr Kelly Brogan has a simple 2-part practice she calls "self-husbanding." (She presents it as a practice for women; my husband and I agree that it appears to be a practice that all of us could use, men or women. I paraphrased it from the transcript of this interview.) Here it is:

1. "Enter through the upset." Meaning that when I feel any kind of "negative" emotion or upset, I turn inwards towards my internal experience.
2. Set a 90 second timer. During the 90 seconds the only thing to do is to witness what's going on inside of me, and hold it.

As I understand it, the idea is to give my full attention to the physical sensations inside of me. Not the "story," not the mental chatter, but the physical sensations.

It's basically the practice of being the part of me that can witness and hold my experience, AND the part of me that's having the experience.

At the same time.

Not necessarily easy, but not complicated either, and I'm finding it does get easier with practice.

The desired outcome is for me to become less likely to externalize my power by blaming, avoiding, projecting, or scrambling to "do something."

Those are all strategies for trying to shift the pain onto someone outside of ourselves, and they come with big drawbacks:

• The first is that in doing so I abandon the part of me that's feeling the pain - so instead of experiencing the emotion and then being able to release it, I have to hold onto it and stuff it into what Dr Laura Markham calls an "emotional backpack" to be dealt with later. Not recommended for anyone whose goal is to become more lighthearted or effective in life.
• Second, in shifting the focus outside of myself I also shift the point of power outside of myself. I make it impossible for me to feel better unless something changes outside of me.
  
• And thirdly, when I shift the point of power outside of myself it becomes harder for me to be effective at making a difference -- because the only thing I have full control over is my own part of the equation.

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