Optional prompts for further exploration

Where in my life am I holding myself back from full participation? 

What am I afraid would happen if I engaged wholeheartedly?

Where did this fear come from, and can I be compassionate toward the part of myself that holds it?

Prompt and resource for further exploration

Do I have "neural highways" that sweep me away into states of mind I don't enjoy? 

How could I support myself to notice I've gotten swept away, and slow myself down to look for an exit? 

If you're a parent who is too hard on yourself, this post is for you. It might also be for you if you often feel anxious or overwhelmed and you're not sure why.

The habit of being too hard on yourself is never helpful. Not for you, not for your family, and not for the work you want to do in the world.

But knowing that in a theoretical way and living it in a real way are two different animals.

We can be stuck in the trap of perfectionism and self-criticism (or its twin sibling, criticism of others who are close to you) without even knowing it. And it's a really, really hard trap to get out of.

I don't know about you, but for me when I'm in that trap I feel like I'm failing my kids and failing in my efforts to contribute effectively to the world I want for them to grow up in -- which are possibly two of the most painful ways there are to feel like a failure.

Do you often have a sense that "something is wrong"?

We all have an internal "critic," a voice pointing out when something is wrong. You might recognize the voice of your inner critic when you hear it, or you might just have a pervasive feeling or belief that something is wrong with:

1. what you're doing (or what you have done in the past),
2. the way you're doing it, or even,
3. with you.

To be very clear: number (3) on that list is never true (more on that below). 

Sometimes, (1) and/or (2) is true to some degree. When that's the case, it's your inner critic's job to spot it and point it out to you.

That's the proper, healthy role of your inner critic - to spot when you're off so you can adjust course appropriately. 

But then, the critic's job is done. It's supposed to get back in its box now, or take a nap, leaving you in charge of figuring out how to put things right.

Only, painfully often, it doesn't.

What happens when your inner critic gets out of hand?

It's easy for the inner critic to get WAY out of hand.

Instead of discretely tapping you on the shoulder, pointing out a mistake and then retiring full of trust that you can now be relied on to put things right, it stays on red alert. You can't make a move without it critiquing and second-guessing. 

Or your critic might be operating so invisibly that it feels impossible to separate it out and be able to recognize the effect it's having on you.You just feel chronically anxious, overwhelmed, unable to do anything right, and possibly impatient and intolerant of others' short comings, and you may not know why.

Sometimes, the critic is just plain WRONG

Sometimes the critic isn't just out of hand. It's plain wrong. That's when you have the feeling or belief that something is wrong with you -- (3) on my list above. This is simply. Never. True. 

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You were not born "a bad person" in any way, shape, or form.

As a parent, you may at times have been too dis-regulated, exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, etc, to think clearly or act effectively, but there is nothing wrong with you. Even when you have acted in ways that you know have caused damage and regrets, those were mistakes, not fundamental flaws in who you are.

Mistakes and mis-steps are like clouds - behind them, the sun is still shining

Inside you there is an undamaged presence, shining like the sun.

Just because clouds are scudding across in front of it, or even covering the whole sky, and maybe even for days or weeks on end -- the sun is still there.

The sun never goes away and it does not need to heal -- because whatever is generating the clouds has never touched the sun.

And the even better news is that the sun is shining inside your child/ren, too. Contrary to the opinions of your inner critic, you and your children have astonishing power to clear away the clouds that are temporarily covering the sun.

A one-minute practice for when your inner critic takes over

Can you spare a minute? Just for YOU?

Put your hand/s on your heart, or wherever feels right. Watch your breath. For three times in and out, follow where your breath goes inside of you, and let your out-breath be longer than your in-breath.

Now, with your breath, silently repeat your own versions of these suggestions (which are inspired by the teachings of Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh):

"Breathing in, I acknowledge my [insert whatever thoughts, feelings, or fears are troubling you]"

"Breathing out, I release them"

Repeat your own version of those statements silently with your in and out-breaths at least three times -- more if you want to.

Good enough...

Remind yourself:

"I only have to be a good enough parent. Trying to be perfect stresses me out, tightens and shortens my breath, and makes things worse. It makes the clouds cover the sun."

... and just in time

Remind yourself:

"I only have to be just in time. Just in time is right on time." 

When I look back at my life, I see that I only ever learned what I needed to know, just in time. I only ever came upon the tool or understanding or insight I needed, just in time. Never before.

I might spend significant chunks of time for weeks, months, even years, stressing about what I didn't know, about how I wasn't good enough.(Yes, still guilty.)

Then I would learn something, experience some insight, gain a broader perspective -- and see that I hadn't needed that until right when it came.

(Yes, you can have a part of you that understands something, in theory well enough to not be troubled by it any more, and other parts of you that still struggle with it and still feel like you'll never be free of it. We truly contain multitudes.)

"I trust myself as a parent"

Repeat after me:

"Breathing in, I feel my love for my child/ren." Let your love for your children flood your insides.

"Breathing out, I trust myself as their parent." Let the love that floods your body connect you to the wisdom of your heart, and trust that.

These are just clouds. Behind them the sun still shines.

For my whole life I've wrestled with nervous system dis-regulation and all the things that go with that. Anxiety, overwhelm, and insomnia are three of the big ones for me.

I've used lots of tools and strategies along the way; one that I've found consistently helpful is focusing on my breath. You could call it breath awareness or intentional breathing.

It's taken me some practice to get in the habit of:

1. noticing that I'm tense, dis-regulated and scattered, and that my breathing feels restricted
2. focusing on my breath (even though its often initially uncomfortable)
3. staying focused on my breath (or bringing my attention back when it wanders) until the tightness eases and my breath can go deeper -- success!

That whole process can take as little as 3 to 5 breaths. (If I'm really tense and have been forgetting to do it, I might have to repeat the process several times before I get that sense of relief.)

It's taken me a while to get the hang of it, but as I've gotten better at it the benefits have been out of all proportion to the simplicity of the practice.

Here are three of the reasons I've become an advocate for the practice of conscious breathing, mindful breathing, or as I like to call it, "breathing myself home."

1. Focusing on your breath is restful and refreshing

Focusing on your breath can nourish and refresh you in ways that stressed out modern people don't even realize they're missing out on.

Try it. For three in breaths and three out breaths, just be with your breath. Let your breath bring you home to yourself.

Follow your breath inward. Be open, receptive, curious, about what you might find inside there where your breath goes.

Don't try to breath more deeply or slowly, just observe. Be ready to follow your breath deeper and feel the deliciousness of slowing down, when your body invites you. 

If nothing changes at first, that's ok. Repeat the process again the next time you think of it. (Consider how you could prompt yourself to remember to do it more often.)

Sooner or later, I feel confident that you'll experience a shift. For me, when the shift comes, several things happen. My breath slows down and deepens. A spaciousness opens up inside of me. Tension melts away.

Body tissues that have been tight and exhausted get to relax. Flow and ease (which could be our natural state -- just ask a cat) are restored.

2. Focusing on your breath brings you home to yourself

In my experience, awareness of your breath brings you into your body. To borrow words from Thich Nhat Hanh, it brings you "home." 

Our only true and unassailable home is "what the Buddha called the island of self, the peaceful place inside us,"¹. I say "unassailable" because it's the only home that, with practice, can literally become a safe sanctuary that's unaffected by outside events.

The severity of outside events that your safe island of Self can withstand obviously varies with practice and nervous system capacity. To me, practicing and building my capacity for this is SO worthwhile.

I'd go as far as to say its life-changing.

3. Using your breath to bring yourself into presence can give you back your time

I'm one of those people who never has enough time. There's always more to do than there is time to do it, and with this comes a sense of anxiety, hurry, and overwhelm.

I'm finding that dropping everything to focus on three to five full breaths (which doenst take long!) is giving me back my time.

Really. It makes time slow down, and the hustle recedes as the spaciousness inside me expands. What a relief!

To paraphrase some of THich Naht Hanh's wisdom on this:

Did I pay attention to my breath today?

If you keep a journal, even just a very sporadic one, try putting a prompt in there that you'll see each time you write in your journal (use a post it note for paper journals):

"Did I pay attention to my breath today?"

Related

The post "Emotional Regulation: 3 Simple Practices for Peace This Holiday Season" has more on short, simple breathing practices that can help when we get anxious, tense, or scattered. 

Note: I wrote this post in December 2025, for the holiday season. But the principles in it apply all year round -- any time you or anyone around you needs emotional or nervous system support. 

Social gatherings and even just family meal times are supposed to be enjoyable. But the hope or expectation for connection and good feelings often creates pressure on us to "perform."

We want to be fun and light-hearted and patient and present for our kids and each other, but we may also be stressed out, exhausted, and hustling, and the to-do list never gets any shorter.

For many of us this spells an invitation to the inner critic, who starts relentlessly cracking the whip to make sure we're up to snuff.

And along with all that pressure, for some of us the holiday season also awakens an aching emptiness inside which can never be filled with tinsel and material gifts. Because while we're trying to meet other people's needs, there's also a little child inside each of us that needs our presence and attention.

This is what our own parents may not have been able to give to us when we were small. And if presence and connection is lacking internally, then the harder we try to be provide this for the people around us the more impoverished we feel internally -- leading to bitterness and resentment.

Strings of fairy lights

Picture a big Christmas tree with lots of strings of fairy lights threaded all over and through its branches.

Each string of lights makes its own pattern on the tree.

But not all the strings of lights are working the same. Some keep blinking on frantically and constantly; others are inhibited -- they're dim, or they don't light up at all.

These strings of lights winking on and off represent the neural activity in your brain. (See the Extras section down the bottom for more clarity on this, if you want to.)

It could be said that each string of fairy lights represents a "part" of you. 

You know how sometimes we say things like, “There’s a part of me that enjoys the holiday season and a part of me that doesn't" --well, "parts"are a thing.

Each part of you is like a child in a family -- your own inner family of parts. (Hence the name for the mental health modality that I'm describing - it's called "Internal Family Systems".)

When needy ones make trouble

In our internal family systems, there are parts that did not get their needs met when we were little. And just like in the "real" families that gather around tables during the holiday season and other social occasions, sometimes the parts whose needs have not been met will make trouble.

Because even though there are no "bad" parts, none of our parts have the full picture. And many of them are functioning at the level of a small, distressed child.

That's why on our imaginary Christmas tree, some strings of fairy lights shine frantically and some are dim or don't shine at all -- the needy, distressed parts are taking up all the brain space, effectively shutting the rest of the system down or causing it to malfunction.

Playing with the fairy lights

Now, imagine that a calm, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous, creative being is playing with the strings of fairy lights.

Tuning into them to understand what they need. Soothing and attending to the loud, controlling ones so that they can relax and make space for other parts; helping the shy, inhibited, doubtful ones shine brighter. So now there are more lights turned on, and they're all shining more harmoniously.

In other words, you are more emotionally regulated and your brain is functioning at something closer to its true capacity.

Who is this calm, compassionate being?

It's you, when you are in a state of emotional regulation - a state of clarity and connection. In Internal Family Systems this is called the "Self." Ideally, your Self is a bit like a parent to all the parts.

A lot of intensity

As I write, Christmas is a few weeks away. Families are trying to come together, or dealing with the feelings that arise when they can't, or when coming together hurts.

What if the single most useful, productive thing you could do to ease things is to take care of your internal family, so you can be more regulated and resourced for whatever is going on in your outer world?

Paradoxically, this care and attention for yourself is far more important than any task on your to-do list. Less urgent, probably, but more important. So, here are three suggestions that might help.

1. Take three conscious breaths

Begin with three breaths. Without trying to change your breathing at all, just follow it. Be open, receptive, curious, about what you might find inside there where your breath goes.

My 14 year old son calls this "breathing on manual," and he says that as soon as you pay attention to your breath, it feels awkward and you "forget how to breath."

If that feels like what happens for you when you focus on your breath, just stay with it. You can handle it for three breaths.

The awkwardness is  the sensation of your brain having to get out of autopilot and light up strings of fairy lights that are normally dark.

More fairy lights means more capacity.

Try making a habit of taking three conscious breaths each time you transition from one place or task to another.

With a bit of practice, this simple act of focusing on your breath and following it inward might lead to your breath slowing down and deepening.

A little bit spaciousness might open up inside you.

Some of your tension may diminish, a little or a lot.

You might even feel a sigh of relief from your constricted parts.

(I wrote more about this in "Breathe Yourself Home.")

2. Try this 5-breath meditation from Thich Nhat Hanh

Here's a short breath meditation from the book Silence by Buddhist Monk and peace activist, Thich Nhat Hanh.

This requires that you pay attention for 5 full breaths. You can do it. Repeat after me:

"Breathing in, I know I'm breathing in ...

Breathing out, I know I'm breathing out

Breathing in, my breath grows deep ...

Breathing out, my breath grows slow

Breathing in, I feel my body ...

Breathing out, I calm my body

Breathing in, I smile ...

Breathing out, I release

Breathing in, I'm in the present moment ...

Breathing out, I enjoy the present moment."

For me, when I try to smile on the fourth in-breath, I'm sure it looks more like a grimace. It's awkward. More under-used strings of fairy lights are being coaxed into lighting up. But smile or no smile, I'm happy to report that every time i remember to use this practice, I feel better.

I also use it with changes to the wording, according to my need:

"Breathing in, I acknowledge my anxiety ... 

Breathing out, I release my anxiety.

Breathing in, I acknowledge my fear ...

Breathing out, i release my fear.

Breathing in love ...

Breathing out gratitude."

Don't be fooled by the apparent simplicity. Remember, you're not trying to impress another adult; you're trying to sooth your inner 4 year old.

3. As well as your breath, use your finger tips

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. It's also often just called "Tapping," because it involves tapping with your finger tips on acupressure points on your face and upper body to send calming signals that let the alarm centers in your brain know it's safe to relax. Meaning, more lights can come on.

Even if you don't know anything about EFT, it's very simple to use in combination with your breath for "inner first aide."

(Later, I'd encourage you to learn more about EFT -- see the Extras down the bottom -- but this is a way to get some of its benefits right now, without needing to know anything about it beyond what I've just told you.)

Here are the steps:

• If you've never tapped before, tap 7 to 10 times gently with your finger tips on each of the points, following the chart below, to get a feel for it. Start with the "side of the hand" point, then follow the others as they're numbered. (Skip the "gamut" point for now, you don't need it for this exercise.)

• Once you're familiar with tapping on the points, pause, take a breath, then start again from the beginning.
  
• Tap 7 to 10 times on the "side of the hand" point while you breathe in. Tap 7 to 10 times on the "top of the head" point while you breathe out.
• Continue to follow the chart for the rest of the points -- breathe in as you tap on one point; breathe out as you tap on the next one. It doesn't matter which points you breathe in for and which you breathe out for. It doesn't matter if you miss a point or do them in the wrong order. You cant get this wrong.
• Ask your inner critic part to give it at least one full round of tapping without worrying about how you're doing.
• Then, once you start to get the hang of it, slow. Way. Down. Slow your tapping. Invite your breath to slow. Lengthen your out-breath to be a bit longer than your in-breath. Your breathing my grow deeper all by itself -- what a relief
• Tap lightly, softly, with love and compassion and care and attention. Be as gentle with yourself as you would with a little child.
  

Well done you 

You've just generated a few moments of peacefulness in your internal world. 

Take a moment to cherish yourself and congratulate yourself.

In the culture and times that most of us are finding ourselves in right now, this is the most counter-intuitive work there is -- and by far the most needed.

May your in-breath be deep, your out-breath be long, and all your strings of fairy lights shine in harmony at least occasionally during times of stress, including but not limited to the holiday season  

Extras

On strings of fairy lights to represent neural activity in your brain:

The main signaling cells of the brain are the neurons (the "fairy lights"), each with connections to other neurons that create neural "pathways" (the "wiring"). 

When a neural pathway has been reinforced by strong emotions and/or by lots of repetition, the connections between those neurons get stronger and this pathway becomes more like a "super highway" - easy to follow and hard to find an exit from. 

In my amateur understanding and in my personal experience, each distressed "part" -- for example, the critical part, the anxious part, the appeasing part, the overwhelmed part -- has its own well-worn neural pathways. Healing all this distress involves teaching the parts of myself that they can make new pathways, behave in new ways, and in doing so, light up new parts of my entire nervous system (not just my brain) that have long been shut down. 

I learned to think about all of this in this way partly from this excellent set of videos  (5 videos, each 12 to 20 minutes long).  

On EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique): 

Scroll down to the diagram in this article for a good guide on the acupressure points used in basic EFT, including the specific Chinese acupuncture meridian involved and specific ways each one of them can help you feel better.

Here's a good starting point if you'd like to learn more about EFT online. This organisation also has an Ap you can download to your phone. I have not tried the Ap, but I frequently reference the huge archive of articles on their website.

There are also some really great books about EFT. I can personally recommend the book Tapping by David Feinstein, Ph.D. and Donna Eden if you're in for a comprehensive deep dive, and there are many, many others.