Image credit: Ralph at Pixabay

If you're struggling, I want you to know that you're not alone. In this post I'll share some words of perspective that are mostly from my wiser self to my struggling self, but maybe they're for you, too.

If they are, you'll know, and if not, thanks anyway for reading -- it means a lot to me. 

Sometimes life is hard work, isn't it?

Sometimes being emotionally comfortable and confident, satisfied and at peace -- really, solidly, deep down, not just on the surface in the persona we present to other people -- seems out of reach.

And sometimes, we're fooling ourselves. In those moments we've convinced ourselves that we are ok, while we fail to notice that we're just projecting our stuff onto those around us and wondering why they cant get it together.

In his book Fully Human, Steve Biddulph points out that many people who seem to be doing fine are actually not. (Unless you define "FINE" as "F____d up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.")

Biddulph says, "unresolved trauma -- personal and inter-generational -- is so common that it affects the lives of almost everyone. ... catastrophic wars, recessions, refugee flows, social changes to family, community and our relationship with nature -- [have led us to accumulate] a trauma legacy that lives in the bodies of most of us."

So why am I talking about all this right now?

The full moon illuminates our path - and our obstacles

I'm talking about all this right now because we just went through a full moon (I'm writing  on Monday 4th May, 2026, and the full moon was two days ago).

Full moon energy has a tendency to stir things up. It certainly did for me. In the late and wee hours of too many recent nights I've been confronting stuff that I would definitely have projected onto someone else if there had been anyone around.

Now in the light of day I'm reminded that choices and decisions made under duress can have a long-term impact.

I'm reminding myself that "this too shall pass," and that after it does I'll probably be wiser than I am now.

All of which is to say that if you're struggling around about now, if the full moon seems to have "illuminated" stuff that's hard to deal with, you're not alone.

You are not alone

In my mind, "you are not alone" has two meanings, which I'll unpack one at a time...

The compassion you offer to another is also received by your own hurting parts

The first meaning of "you are not alone," is obviously that others (who might appear to be fine) might be struggling too.

I'm in a process of trying teach myself to really "see" others, as they are deep down inside rather than just on the surface.

And yes, I'm finding that that is hard to do. It helps me to remind myself that whatever compassion I'm able to offer to another, by truly seeing them, is also received by my own hurting inner parts.

We are in relationship with something larger

The second meaning of "you are not alone" is that something larger than you is holding you. If you tune into that, you'll feel it.

My experience has been that I feel it either as soon as I tune in, or as soon as I hit bottom hard enough that I can no longer tune out.

I'll paraphrase words by Matt Licata:

We can trust the process of our healing and growth

I believe that psyche and soma -- mind and body -- are always seeking healing and wholeness the same way a seedling seeks sunlight.

We have a responsibility to place ourselves where the sun can reach us, and to provide ourselves with nourishment and nurturance (physical and otherwise). But we can entrust the actual process of our healing and growth to Nature -- our own, and the Nature of whatever you call the larger Intelligence that holds us.

The full moon illuminates everything, "good" and "bad," so its a great time for counting your blessings and for seeing your obstacles more clearly (the better to overcome them). 

Use these prompts for exploring both, at the full moon or any time you're struggling. 

Count your blessings 

In your journal or on a piece of paper, write:

• "I'm grateful for [...]"
• "I acknowledge my [...]"

Not sure what to acknowledge? Pick something good about you, something you've achieved, or something you haven't given up on. 

And finally, write

• "I want [...]"

Acknowledging our desires, especially the ones it feels unsafe to acknowledge, is a way of honoring them -- which is much healthier and kinder than ignoring or suppressing them. 

Look your challenges in the eye 

Sometimes it feels hard to find much to celebrate, or any authentic desires.

Sometimes, all I see at the full moon is obstacles. If that feels familiar, in your journal or on a piece of paper, write and answer these questions: 

• "What is obvious--fully illuminated--in my life right now?" 
• "What is most intense in my life right now; what is demanding my attention?"

Assuming you can be undisturbed for ten minutes, if you wrote difficult stuff down on your paper, try this: Right now, give your full attention to whatever feels intense in your life. Feel what you've been avoiding feeling.

Where is it in your body? Does it have a colour? A shape? A texture? Identify how it feels in your body, to be so blocked, miserable, frustrated, angry, whatever.

When you feel it, you can heal it. 

Breathe

Take a slow breath into the place in your body where you feel the sensations. 

Slower.

Then let your breath out.

Slowly.

Even slower.

Keep breathing out until your lungs are empty, and then breath out a bit more.

Do that three times: breathe into the sensations; breathe out slowly and completely. Make your out-breath waaay longer than your in-breath.

Sometimes it helps to hum as you breathe out, like a drone or a bumble bee.

Now. Now, you're paying attention. And when you're paying attention (as opposed to just coping) you're more likely to recognize the help you need when it shows up (in whatever form it comes).

And it will show up, because you are not alone.

If you're a parent who is too hard on yourself, this post is for you. It might also be for you if you often feel anxious or overwhelmed and you're not sure why.

The habit of being too hard on yourself is never helpful. Not for you, not for your family, and not for the work you want to do in the world.

But knowing that in a theoretical way and living it in a real way are two different animals.

We can be stuck in the trap of perfectionism and self-criticism (or its twin sibling, criticism of others who are close to you) without even knowing it. And it's a really, really hard trap to get out of.

I don't know about you, but for me when I'm in that trap I feel like I'm failing my kids and failing in my efforts to contribute effectively to the world I want for them to grow up in -- which are possibly two of the most painful ways there are to feel like a failure.

Do you often have a sense that "something is wrong"?

We all have an internal "critic," a voice pointing out when something is wrong. You might recognize the voice of your inner critic when you hear it, or you might just have a pervasive feeling or belief that something is wrong with:

1. what you're doing (or what you have done in the past),
2. the way you're doing it, or even,
3. with you.

To be very clear: number (3) on that list is never true (more on that below). 

Sometimes, (1) and/or (2) is true to some degree. When that's the case, it's your inner critic's job to spot it and point it out to you.

That's the proper, healthy role of your inner critic - to spot when you're off so you can adjust course appropriately. 

But then, the critic's job is done. It's supposed to get back in its box now, or take a nap, leaving you in charge of figuring out how to put things right.

Only, painfully often, it doesn't.

What happens when your inner critic gets out of hand?

It's easy for the inner critic to get WAY out of hand.

Instead of discretely tapping you on the shoulder, pointing out a mistake and then retiring full of trust that you can now be relied on to put things right, it stays on red alert. You can't make a move without it critiquing and second-guessing. 

Or your critic might be operating so invisibly that it feels impossible to separate it out and be able to recognize the effect it's having on you.You just feel chronically anxious, overwhelmed, unable to do anything right, and possibly impatient and intolerant of others' short comings, and you may not know why.

Sometimes, the critic is just plain WRONG

Sometimes the critic isn't just out of hand. It's plain wrong. That's when you have the feeling or belief that something is wrong with you -- (3) on my list above. This is simply. Never. True. 

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You were not born "a bad person" in any way, shape, or form.

As a parent, you may at times have been too dis-regulated, exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, etc, to think clearly or act effectively, but there is nothing wrong with you. Even when you have acted in ways that you know have caused damage and regrets, those were mistakes, not fundamental flaws in who you are.

Mistakes and mis-steps are like clouds - behind them, the sun is still shining

Inside you there is an undamaged presence, shining like the sun.

Just because clouds are scudding across in front of it, or even covering the whole sky, and maybe even for days or weeks on end -- the sun is still there.

The sun never goes away and it does not need to heal -- because whatever is generating the clouds has never touched the sun.

And the even better news is that the sun is shining inside your child/ren, too. Contrary to the opinions of your inner critic, you and your children have astonishing power to clear away the clouds that are temporarily covering the sun.

A one-minute practice for when your inner critic takes over

Can you spare a minute? Just for YOU?

Put your hand/s on your heart, or wherever feels right. Watch your breath. For three times in and out, follow where your breath goes inside of you, and let your out-breath be longer than your in-breath.

Now, with your breath, silently repeat your own versions of these suggestions (which are inspired by the teachings of Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh):

"Breathing in, I acknowledge my [insert whatever thoughts, feelings, or fears are troubling you]"

"Breathing out, I release them"

Repeat your own version of those statements silently with your in and out-breaths at least three times -- more if you want to.

Good enough...

Remind yourself:

"I only have to be a good enough parent. Trying to be perfect stresses me out, tightens and shortens my breath, and makes things worse. It makes the clouds cover the sun."

... and just in time

Remind yourself:

"I only have to be just in time. Just in time is right on time." 

When I look back at my life, I see that I only ever learned what I needed to know, just in time. I only ever came upon the tool or understanding or insight I needed, just in time. Never before.

I might spend significant chunks of time for weeks, months, even years, stressing about what I didn't know, about how I wasn't good enough.(Yes, still guilty.)

Then I would learn something, experience some insight, gain a broader perspective -- and see that I hadn't needed that until right when it came.

(Yes, you can have a part of you that understands something, in theory well enough to not be troubled by it any more, and other parts of you that still struggle with it and still feel like you'll never be free of it. We truly contain multitudes.)

"I trust myself as a parent"

Repeat after me:

"Breathing in, I feel my love for my child/ren." Let your love for your children flood your insides.

"Breathing out, I trust myself as their parent." Let the love that floods your body connect you to the wisdom of your heart, and trust that.

These are just clouds. Behind them the sun still shines.

For my whole life I've wrestled with nervous system dis-regulation and all the things that go with that. Anxiety, overwhelm, and insomnia are three of the big ones for me.

I've used lots of tools and strategies along the way; one that I've found consistently helpful is focusing on my breath. You could call it breath awareness or intentional breathing.

It's taken me some practice to get in the habit of:

1. noticing that I'm tense, dis-regulated and scattered, and that my breathing feels restricted
2. focusing on my breath (even though its often initially uncomfortable)
3. staying focused on my breath (or bringing my attention back when it wanders) until the tightness eases and my breath can go deeper -- success!

That whole process can take as little as 3 to 5 breaths. (If I'm really tense and have been forgetting to do it, I might have to repeat the process several times before I get that sense of relief.)

It's taken me a while to get the hang of it, but as I've gotten better at it the benefits have been out of all proportion to the simplicity of the practice.

Here are three of the reasons I've become an advocate for the practice of conscious breathing, mindful breathing, or as I like to call it, "breathing myself home."

1. Focusing on your breath is restful and refreshing

Focusing on your breath can nourish and refresh you in ways that stressed out modern people don't even realize they're missing out on.

Try it. For three in breaths and three out breaths, just be with your breath. Let your breath bring you home to yourself.

Follow your breath inward. Be open, receptive, curious, about what you might find inside there where your breath goes.

Don't try to breath more deeply or slowly, just observe. Be ready to follow your breath deeper and feel the deliciousness of slowing down, when your body invites you. 

If nothing changes at first, that's ok. Repeat the process again the next time you think of it. (Consider how you could prompt yourself to remember to do it more often.)

Sooner or later, I feel confident that you'll experience a shift. For me, when the shift comes, several things happen. My breath slows down and deepens. A spaciousness opens up inside of me. Tension melts away.

Body tissues that have been tight and exhausted get to relax. Flow and ease (which could be our natural state -- just ask a cat) are restored.

2. Focusing on your breath brings you home to yourself

In my experience, awareness of your breath brings you into your body. To borrow words from Thich Nhat Hanh, it brings you "home." 

Our only true and unassailable home is "what the Buddha called the island of self, the peaceful place inside us,"¹. I say "unassailable" because it's the only home that, with practice, can literally become a safe sanctuary that's unaffected by outside events.

The severity of outside events that your safe island of Self can withstand obviously varies with practice and nervous system capacity. To me, practicing and building my capacity for this is SO worthwhile.

I'd go as far as to say its life-changing.

3. Using your breath to bring yourself into presence can give you back your time

I'm one of those people who never has enough time. There's always more to do than there is time to do it, and with this comes a sense of anxiety, hurry, and overwhelm.

I'm finding that dropping everything to focus on three to five full breaths (which doenst take long!) is giving me back my time.

Really. It makes time slow down, and the hustle recedes as the spaciousness inside me expands. What a relief!

To paraphrase some of THich Naht Hanh's wisdom on this:

Did I pay attention to my breath today?

If you keep a journal, even just a very sporadic one, try putting a prompt in there that you'll see each time you write in your journal (use a post it note for paper journals):

"Did I pay attention to my breath today?"

Related

The post "Emotional Regulation: 3 Simple Practices for Peace This Holiday Season" has more on short, simple breathing practices that can help when we get anxious, tense, or scattered. 

I'm writing this in the early days of 2026, but these ideas will be applicable regardless of the time of year. 

Off and on over the last several weeks I've been struggling to write a "proper" new years post -- you know, something that would be useful and relevant and hopefully make a difference for someone reading it.

I say "struggling," because most attempts to work on it have been a tussle between the part of me that says "I want to write something worthwhile," and the part that says "You cant. Here, I'll show you why."

So, putting that aside for a moment and accepting that I might not succeed in writing anything "proper" for the new year before the new year becomes old, here's something that I hope will be easier to write.

It has to do with presence, reverence, connection, and gratitude, all of which I was thinking about recently while making and eating breakfast. 

Lets begin with breakfast

Right before I sat down to write this, I cooked a batch of one of my favorite breakfasts -- porridge made with whole oats and a variety of other things.

This is quite an involved process. The time consuming part is fermenting the oats for digestibility. The fun/fiddly part is adding in a variety of things for texture, taste, and added nutrition. (Depending on my mood and their availability they include things like rose-hips, sultanas, shredded coconut, fennel seeds, nettle seeds.)

So I do all that in a batch to make about 7 breakfasts worth, then I cook it all up and put it in a large jar in the fridge. After that, when I want porridge for breakfast I spoon some out and cook it again, adding an egg to it and sometimes some coconut oil.

None of that is unusual for me; what was different was that today I had the luxury of a morning all to myself -- so it was easier for me to pay full attention to what I was doing.

And that leads me to presence and reverence.

On presence and reverence

This morning before I came into the kitchen I had just been outside in the garden, also paying full attention to what I was doing. 

That had helped me get into a state of presence, even a state of reverence.

Reverence could be described as "a feeling or attitude of profound respect, usually reserved for the sacred or divine." (collinsdictionary.com)

I'm aware in an intellectual way (I imagine you are too) that life itself, to be alive on earth enacting this one precious lifetime, is something worthy of being present for. It's worthy of reverence.

But the hustle of modern life often makes us forget. Our conditioning makes us forget (more on that in a minute).

My focused, intentional time in the garden this morning had reminded me that my life is worthy of my presence and my reverence (regardless of whether I ever successfully write anything worthwhile again -- note to critic part of self).

Thankfully, I carried that awareness with me into my breakfast making and eating process.

Which is why, instead of reading or writing while eating as I often do when eating alone, I just...

... ate.

And I paid attention to what I was eating, which led to way more enjoyment and pleasure while eating than I normally experience.

On the conditioning that says "thou shalt not..."

The pleasure and enjoyment I experienced eating breakfast was a gift from myself to myself.

We are not typically conditioned to bestow such gifts upon ourselves. In our hurried modern culture we are much more likely to have been taught to hurry and get breakfast over with already so we can move on to the "important" things. Which is why we so often miss the real important things.

(And paying attention to the real important things is one of the reasons why this is called "A Real Green Life.")

There's a squirm factor for me in confessing that I derived pleasure from eating my breakfast and that I received that pleasure as a gift to myself -- which suggests that I have some seriously strong "not allowed" conditioning sitting around somewhere inside me.

"Thou shalt not experience pleasure. Pleasure is ESPECIALLY not allowed just for the sake of pleasure."

Anyway... Getting back to my story, all of that led on from there to an awareness of the connections represented in that bowl of porridge and a sense of gratitude.

On connection and gratitude

Somewhere, a farmer cared enough about their land and all the living things on it and in it, and the oats and the people who would eat them, to make the effort involved in growing these oats organically. Everyone involved in the supply chain between me and that farmer, including the lady who runs our local health-food store, cared enough to make these oats available to me.

Same with the rose-hips. And the coconut. And the nettle seeds -- oh boy, those are fiddly to harvest!!

And we raised the chicken that laid the egg, and in the process of raising chickens we're building soil and increasing eco-system health on our farm.

And for all these foods to grow the sun shone, the rain rained, the tides and the winds and the moon and the cosmos all ebbed and flowed, the myriads of critters in soil and water all did what they do, communities of living things all teeming and throbbing and pulsing with life... all so I could enjoy this bowl of porridge.

As I considered all this, I was able to receive a second gift that I very rarely bestow on myself -- the gift of feeling held, supported, provided for.

And that, I suppose, could make this into a "proper" new year post...

May this year be...

... a year in which we are able to free ourselves from the old conditioning that says things like "not allowed."

May it be a year in  which we are able to receive the gifts of presence, reverence, pleasure, connection, and gratitude more often, and thus live deeper, fuller lives with more of the "real" stuff, and less "shoulds" and "should nots."

Thank you for reading. I never underestimate the value of your time, attention, and presence, and I hope you don't either.

Note: I wrote this post in December 2025, for the holiday season. But the principles in it apply all year round -- any time you or anyone around you needs emotional or nervous system support. 

Social gatherings and even just family meal times are supposed to be enjoyable. But the hope or expectation for connection and good feelings often creates pressure on us to "perform."

We want to be fun and light-hearted and patient and present for our kids and each other, but we may also be stressed out, exhausted, and hustling, and the to-do list never gets any shorter.

For many of us this spells an invitation to the inner critic, who starts relentlessly cracking the whip to make sure we're up to snuff.

And along with all that pressure, for some of us the holiday season also awakens an aching emptiness inside which can never be filled with tinsel and material gifts. Because while we're trying to meet other people's needs, there's also a little child inside each of us that needs our presence and attention.

This is what our own parents may not have been able to give to us when we were small. And if presence and connection is lacking internally, then the harder we try to be provide this for the people around us the more impoverished we feel internally -- leading to bitterness and resentment.

Strings of fairy lights

Picture a big Christmas tree with lots of strings of fairy lights threaded all over and through its branches.

Each string of lights makes its own pattern on the tree.

But not all the strings of lights are working the same. Some keep blinking on frantically and constantly; others are inhibited -- they're dim, or they don't light up at all.

These strings of lights winking on and off represent the neural activity in your brain. (See the Extras section down the bottom for more clarity on this, if you want to.)

It could be said that each string of fairy lights represents a "part" of you. 

You know how sometimes we say things like, “There’s a part of me that enjoys the holiday season and a part of me that doesn't" --well, "parts"are a thing.

Each part of you is like a child in a family -- your own inner family of parts. (Hence the name for the mental health modality that I'm describing - it's called "Internal Family Systems".)

When needy ones make trouble

In our internal family systems, there are parts that did not get their needs met when we were little. And just like in the "real" families that gather around tables during the holiday season and other social occasions, sometimes the parts whose needs have not been met will make trouble.

Because even though there are no "bad" parts, none of our parts have the full picture. And many of them are functioning at the level of a small, distressed child.

That's why on our imaginary Christmas tree, some strings of fairy lights shine frantically and some are dim or don't shine at all -- the needy, distressed parts are taking up all the brain space, effectively shutting the rest of the system down or causing it to malfunction.

Playing with the fairy lights

Now, imagine that a calm, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous, creative being is playing with the strings of fairy lights.

Tuning into them to understand what they need. Soothing and attending to the loud, controlling ones so that they can relax and make space for other parts; helping the shy, inhibited, doubtful ones shine brighter. So now there are more lights turned on, and they're all shining more harmoniously.

In other words, you are more emotionally regulated and your brain is functioning at something closer to its true capacity.

Who is this calm, compassionate being?

It's you, when you are in a state of emotional regulation - a state of clarity and connection. In Internal Family Systems this is called the "Self." Ideally, your Self is a bit like a parent to all the parts.

A lot of intensity

As I write, Christmas is a few weeks away. Families are trying to come together, or dealing with the feelings that arise when they can't, or when coming together hurts.

What if the single most useful, productive thing you could do to ease things is to take care of your internal family, so you can be more regulated and resourced for whatever is going on in your outer world?

Paradoxically, this care and attention for yourself is far more important than any task on your to-do list. Less urgent, probably, but more important. So, here are three suggestions that might help.

1. Take three conscious breaths

Begin with three breaths. Without trying to change your breathing at all, just follow it. Be open, receptive, curious, about what you might find inside there where your breath goes.

My 14 year old son calls this "breathing on manual," and he says that as soon as you pay attention to your breath, it feels awkward and you "forget how to breath."

If that feels like what happens for you when you focus on your breath, just stay with it. You can handle it for three breaths.

The awkwardness is  the sensation of your brain having to get out of autopilot and light up strings of fairy lights that are normally dark.

More fairy lights means more capacity.

Try making a habit of taking three conscious breaths each time you transition from one place or task to another.

With a bit of practice, this simple act of focusing on your breath and following it inward might lead to your breath slowing down and deepening.

A little bit spaciousness might open up inside you.

Some of your tension may diminish, a little or a lot.

You might even feel a sigh of relief from your constricted parts.

(I wrote more about this in "Breathe Yourself Home.")

2. Try this 5-breath meditation from Thich Nhat Hanh

Here's a short breath meditation from the book Silence by Buddhist Monk and peace activist, Thich Nhat Hanh.

This requires that you pay attention for 5 full breaths. You can do it. Repeat after me:

"Breathing in, I know I'm breathing in ...

Breathing out, I know I'm breathing out

Breathing in, my breath grows deep ...

Breathing out, my breath grows slow

Breathing in, I feel my body ...

Breathing out, I calm my body

Breathing in, I smile ...

Breathing out, I release

Breathing in, I'm in the present moment ...

Breathing out, I enjoy the present moment."

For me, when I try to smile on the fourth in-breath, I'm sure it looks more like a grimace. It's awkward. More under-used strings of fairy lights are being coaxed into lighting up. But smile or no smile, I'm happy to report that every time i remember to use this practice, I feel better.

I also use it with changes to the wording, according to my need:

"Breathing in, I acknowledge my anxiety ... 

Breathing out, I release my anxiety.

Breathing in, I acknowledge my fear ...

Breathing out, i release my fear.

Breathing in love ...

Breathing out gratitude."

Don't be fooled by the apparent simplicity. Remember, you're not trying to impress another adult; you're trying to sooth your inner 4 year old.

3. As well as your breath, use your finger tips

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. It's also often just called "Tapping," because it involves tapping with your finger tips on acupressure points on your face and upper body to send calming signals that let the alarm centers in your brain know it's safe to relax. Meaning, more lights can come on.

Even if you don't know anything about EFT, it's very simple to use in combination with your breath for "inner first aide."

(Later, I'd encourage you to learn more about EFT -- see the Extras down the bottom -- but this is a way to get some of its benefits right now, without needing to know anything about it beyond what I've just told you.)

Here are the steps:

• If you've never tapped before, tap 7 to 10 times gently with your finger tips on each of the points, following the chart below, to get a feel for it. Start with the "side of the hand" point, then follow the others as they're numbered. (Skip the "gamut" point for now, you don't need it for this exercise.)

• Once you're familiar with tapping on the points, pause, take a breath, then start again from the beginning.
  
• Tap 7 to 10 times on the "side of the hand" point while you breathe in. Tap 7 to 10 times on the "top of the head" point while you breathe out.
• Continue to follow the chart for the rest of the points -- breathe in as you tap on one point; breathe out as you tap on the next one. It doesn't matter which points you breathe in for and which you breathe out for. It doesn't matter if you miss a point or do them in the wrong order. You cant get this wrong.
• Ask your inner critic part to give it at least one full round of tapping without worrying about how you're doing.
• Then, once you start to get the hang of it, slow. Way. Down. Slow your tapping. Invite your breath to slow. Lengthen your out-breath to be a bit longer than your in-breath. Your breathing my grow deeper all by itself -- what a relief
• Tap lightly, softly, with love and compassion and care and attention. Be as gentle with yourself as you would with a little child.
  

Well done you 

You've just generated a few moments of peacefulness in your internal world. 

Take a moment to cherish yourself and congratulate yourself.

In the culture and times that most of us are finding ourselves in right now, this is the most counter-intuitive work there is -- and by far the most needed.

May your in-breath be deep, your out-breath be long, and all your strings of fairy lights shine in harmony at least occasionally during times of stress, including but not limited to the holiday season  

Extras

On strings of fairy lights to represent neural activity in your brain:

The main signaling cells of the brain are the neurons (the "fairy lights"), each with connections to other neurons that create neural "pathways" (the "wiring"). 

When a neural pathway has been reinforced by strong emotions and/or by lots of repetition, the connections between those neurons get stronger and this pathway becomes more like a "super highway" - easy to follow and hard to find an exit from. 

In my amateur understanding and in my personal experience, each distressed "part" -- for example, the critical part, the anxious part, the appeasing part, the overwhelmed part -- has its own well-worn neural pathways. Healing all this distress involves teaching the parts of myself that they can make new pathways, behave in new ways, and in doing so, light up new parts of my entire nervous system (not just my brain) that have long been shut down. 

I learned to think about all of this in this way partly from this excellent set of videos  (5 videos, each 12 to 20 minutes long).  

On EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique): 

Scroll down to the diagram in this article for a good guide on the acupressure points used in basic EFT, including the specific Chinese acupuncture meridian involved and specific ways each one of them can help you feel better.

Here's a good starting point if you'd like to learn more about EFT online. This organisation also has an Ap you can download to your phone. I have not tried the Ap, but I frequently reference the huge archive of articles on their website.

There are also some really great books about EFT. I can personally recommend the book Tapping by David Feinstein, Ph.D. and Donna Eden if you're in for a comprehensive deep dive, and there are many, many others.

No one person can meet all of another person's needs. We need a village not just to raise a child but also to raise ourselves, be ourselves, heal ourselves, and see into the depths of ourselves.

(The closest one person does come to meeting all of another's needs is in the relationship between a mother and her new-born, the "mamatoto².  But even a mama--especially a mama--needs the support of her family, and her family needs a village.)

So what is a "village," and why does every human being need one?

What is a village?

My definition of a healthy "village" in a modern context is a group of people who work together to meet each other's psychological needs.

Ideally, our village would consist of families -- parents and children, and also uncles, aunties, grandparents, and friends - all the diversity and treasure of the human experience. In various times and places, our village members would also work together to meet each other's needs for food, shelter, etc, in a reciprocal ways that build and cement relationships.

Sadly, a village now rarely includes of all these different age groups. And the growth economy has replaced the need for us to rely on one another for our practical needs. So, we just have to build our villages with what we have.

But a village is not a nuclear family.

A village is not a couple.

It is not two friends.

It is also not a small group of close friends, although that's a step in the right direction.

And why do we need one?

We're all familiar with the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child." We know that the needs of babies, children, and adolescents are beyond what parents alone can meet. That's all obvious, especially if you're a parent.

But I think there's a gap in our understanding that we--each of us as human beings--need a "village" whether or not we have children.

There's an assumption in our culture that a couple, or two close friends, can be everything for each other. In my opinion that simply is not true.

To begin to illustrate why, here's a personal story about my past tendency to put myself in situations that invariably led to what felt like a betrayal of trust. 

What happens when we try to make one person into a village

I said "felt like," because in the experiences I'm thinking of, my friends had no intention of betraying my trust. The situations I got myself into came about because without realizing I was doing it, I had tried to make a single friend into an entire village.

I had a pattern of doing what Kelly Brogan calls "looking for eggs at the hardware store" -- going looking for unconditional love and support where it isn't available.

I'm sure you can guess how that went.

A healthy village can meet most needs

I've come to the conclusion that it's neither possible nor desirable for one person to love another unconditionally and without boundaries (duh)³.

But a village full of people is another matter entirely. A healthy village can nourish the hungriest of hearts⁴.

In simple terms, this is possible because different members of the village can be available unconditionally by turns. When one person is offline or needy or temporarily dysfunctional because their own shadow material--their own unmet needs--have been triggered, somewhere else in the village there is another person who is fully present in this moment and able to step into the gap. 

When there are enough stable and resourced adults in a community to meet the practical needs (childcare, logistics, etc) and the mental/emotional/spiritual support that people need from each other, everything gets so much easier.

Good villages are hard to find

I read Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept when my first child was a baby. That's when I first began to understand what a village is and why I needed one. I spent the next 7 years searching for my "tribe," and you probably don't need me to tell you that good tribes can be very hard to find. 

Eventually I found the homeschooling community that my family and I have now been part of for around 10 years, but even then I continued to struggle with feeling lonely and unsupported for many more years.

The reason for that had to do with my assumption that once I found a village -- tadah!! all my problems would be solved.

Alas, it doesn't work like that. The reason that good tribes (or villages) are hard to find is because actually you don't find them, so much as build them. And you build them from the inside out.

Because the thing is that even if a village already exists for you to find it (and that's rare enough), you still bring yourself--your patterns and burdens--along with you. And that affects your experience of a village, whether it existed before you came along or not.

What we, as adults, receive from the village reflects what we bring to it

The function of a village in caring for babies and children is to meet their needs, no strings attached and no debt accrued. 

But adults both receive from and give to the village. We need a village in order to experience the connection that all humans need to thrive, and, as adults, we are the village. 

There's a paradox here: we are the village for each other, and for ourselves. The better we are at showing up for ourselves, being our own internal village, the better equipped we are to find/build and participate in/help maintain an external village.

The more we can give to ourselves, the more we'll have to give to others

Dr Kristin Neff, researcher and author on the topic of Self-Compassion, says

What do you need, right now? Can you give yourself a small dose, even a micro-dose, of what you need?

I know. You can't drop everything and go on holidays. But you can (for example) put your hands on your heart (or one on your belly and the other on your heart) and take 30, 60, or 90 seconds to just. be. with. whatever you find inside there.

If, while you're doing that, you find yourself wanting to sigh, yawn, fidget, lash out, numb out, cry, or hurry to do something else -- you'll know that that micro-dose of care and attention was sorely needed.

This is how you build a village.

Or perhaps it's how you lay the foundation for a village.

Whatever. 

The point is that a village is made up of people who can behave like adults at least some of the time -- and you can't do that (at least, not consistently) unless you're pretty good at putting your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help others.

Putting on your own oxygen mask means being able to turn inwards to be with your child parts when they need you. It means giving the same unconditional love, acceptance, and support that you would give to a child in your village, to the child inside you. Even (especially) when s/he is face down on the floor, kicking and screaming.

Learning how to identify and meet your own internal needs does not feel natural at first to anyone who has grown up in our culture. It's hard. But it's worth it. YOU are worth it.

And self-compassion practices gradually work to stabilize you internally⁵. so that as time goes by you'll have more to give externally.

***

So much for the unseen, inner work. What about the practical, external stuff?

Three practical village building tips

In "Finding Your Tribe," Teresa Pitman says that once you've found at least one other adult with whom to begin building your tribe (or village) there are three rules of thumb that will help:

• spend a good deal of time together
• work together 
• try not to be too picky

Here's some of what she had to say about each of these (edited for brevity):

Sometimes it just feels SO HARD

Things like time constraints, geographic isolation, lack of resources, or cultural barriers are all really good reasons why it might just feel impossible to build or access a village.

I know firsthand some of the barriers to meaningful connection that can seem utterly impassible. My childhood was so isolating, on so many levels, that loneliness was the air I breathed until long after my children were born. It was only when I looked at their childhoods and realized I wanted something different for them, that I recognized how lonely I was.

From the time I realized I needed one, it took me nearly 7 years to find a village. We moved across the world and then from one end of Queensland (Australia) to the other end, to set up house in an area that had a large, long-running homeschooling and LETS⁶ community. The only reason we moved to where we live today was to avail ourselves of the support we knew would be available in those two groups. 

So, we "found a ready made village." Tadah!

Well.

As a parent, the homeschooling community certainly helped me give my kids a better deal from the first time I attended one of the get-togethers.

But for me personally it took many more years to begin to feel that the hungriest inner parts of me were being nourished by the group -- and that didn't begin to happen until after I began to learn ways of effectively tending to my inner needs myself, first.

Don't wait to be rescued before you begin giving yourself the care and attention you need from others 

The moral of the story is this: don't make dramatic life changes or wait years before (or instead of) beginning to give yourself the care, attention, and support that you're longing to receive from others.

We made our big moves for a variety of reasons. The location we ended up choosing had to do with finding community, and I have no regrets at all about the choice we made. But it's still a work in progress.

Finding a community is one thing. Learning both how to serve, and also how to receive support from, a community is another. This is the work of adults--to serve and to receive--and it's ongoing. 

For me, in spite of finding a large, long running, like minded community "ready made" for our family, it didn't look like working out until after I finally began to learn to address what was going on inside of me rather than fruitlessly hoping for someone from outside of me to come along and rescue me. 

Only you can know if you need to pursue dramatic life changes in order to find your village, but I do have a suggestion: before you do anything drastic, think long and hard about the probability that if you take your inner dynamics with you, unchanged, you'll likely find the same external dynamics recurring in your new location or relationships as you were experiencing in the previous ones. 

The paradox of the village-building process

This is the paradox of the village-building process. The better we are at building our internal village, the more we can contribute to an external village that in turn helps us raise our children and ourselves.

I remember at least three occasions while my children were young, of being approached by other mothers of young children who were as lonely and needy as I was. My heart went out to them because I knew what they were going through, but I was unable to help them. A drowning person cannot help another drowning person.

So by all means reach out for the help you need. But don't wait any longer to begin your village building internally with self-care and self-compassion, in micro-doses if necessary, and to seek help if you need to.

In my experience, when the Universe (or God, or whatever you want to call It) sees you building a village internally, your prayer for an external village will then be taken seriously. After the internal village building is underway you'll begin to experience the synchronicities and opportunities that can to lead you toward your external village.

Related reading here on A Real Green Life

Where Am I Locating Power – Inside or Outside of Me?

Reconnecting Can Change Everything

The Power of Hindsight

Resources

Self-compassion for parents - PeacefulParentHappyKids.com

Self-compassion for everyone - Self-Compassion.org

Self-help for everyone using energy psychology (also sometimes called "Tapping" or "EFT"⁷)  - EnergyTapping.com 

Basic/beginner EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) instructions and resources - EFTUniverse.com ⁸

Tapping: Self-Healing with the Transformative Power of Energy Psychology, a book by David Feinstein PhD and Donna Eden

Support for adults impacted by crappy childhoods - CrappyChildhoodFairy.com (she has lots of great YouTube videos, webinars, and a book, with another book on the way)

Finding Your Tribe, an article by Teresa Pitman

In the Absence of the Village, Mothers Struggle Most, an article by Beth Berry