A few days ago I was sitting at the computer trying to come up with a new post. It felt too hard. What if whatever I write isn't good enough?

So I allowed my avoidant parts to take over, and looked around for something easier to do. I started reading through a transcript from a Charles Eisenstein video.

This post was inspired by that video, which Charles titled, "The Transformation is Underway." (It's part of his Sanity Project, which I highly recommend.)

On the stories we live in

Humans are story makers. Our stories (or mythologies) tell us how things work. They give us meaning about things like who we are, what our roles are, how to make a positive impact, what is "normal."

You could say we live "inside" a story, playing a role created for us by our family and culture before we were old enough to examine it and say whether we wanted the role or not.

"Moral failure"

The dominant story of our world is described by Jeremy Lent as having "its roots in ... patriarchy, hierarchy, and empire, and five centuries of European colonialism and oppression that evolved into global capitalism which is a system of extraction, exploitation, and elite wealth accumulation" ¹.

To put it more simply, I could paraphrase Charles Eisenstein and say that the dominant story of the modern world is about "control for the sake of economic progress."

Lent describes the consequences of this story--climate disruption and ecological and social breakdown--as "a collective moral failure."

After reading the post I've just quoted from (which was called Careening Towards a Precipice), I unsubscribed from Jeremy Lent's Substack. Not because I don't agree with his work but because part of me resonates with it a bit too much.

It's temptingly simple to view our situation at this point in time as being the result of "a collective moral failure," because that means that if we all just buck up and become better citizens, living by better morals, we can solve the problem.

Trying to "be good" (and failing)

Jeremy Lent is talking about humanity as a collective, but for us as individuals the idea that humans are "moral failures" can be easy to buy into so deeply that it becomes counter-productive. I'll use myself as an example to illustrate what I mean.

As someone who struggles with a strong inner critic, it's easy for me to take on the bad guy role in this story. If I were a better citizen/parent/consumer, then things would improve. It's somehow my fault, and my responsibility to put right.

And if one expression of the inner critic is to blame oneself, the other is to blame someone else. It's their fault--the corporations, the business interests, the vaxers, the un-vaxers, the people who don't recycle their rubbish--whoever they are who are doing the bad thing.

Either way, whether its "my/our fault" or "their fault," it's somebody's fault and that person/group/nation should be punished and should atone for their sins.

This story can be paralyzing.

In my case, it led to my trying so hard to be a better citizen, and to uphold better morals. I had standards so high, in hindsight, that nobody could have reached them, let alone maintained them.

I was trying to be "a good girl," trying to control every outcome of every choice I made, to make it a "good" outcome.

I also did the other thing -- I lectured my kids and anybody who would listen about how bad everything is, whose fault it is, and how it should be put right. (Yes, still guilty.)

Then (painfully slowly) I began to understand that the more I tried to control everything to make it right, the more I was actually participating in the very story in which I had condemned myself and/or the whole of humanity as a failure.

How's that for a double bind?

The story of modernity: "Control for the sake of progress"

Above, I said that Charles Eisenstein describes our dominant modern story as a story of "control, for the sake of progress." (My interpretation, not necessarily his exact words.)

He says (again I'm paraphrasing):

"For a while, conquering and controlling seemed to be working. Our story of modernity and the story of progress seemed to be bringing benefits. Each generation was better off than the previous one, happier, healthier. It seemed like we were working on our deficiencies too -- the civil rights movement was underway, women's rights, gay liberation, the environmental movement. It seemed that we were going to bring the fruits of our ways to the whole world. That was called 'development' and 'progress.'

Well, now, looking at the levels of poverty, despair, suicide, depression, anxiety, mental illness, chronic disease, domestic abuse, ecocide -- its becoming obvious that the 'story of control and progress' is not working."

When we want to change the story

In my opinion, the most effective thing we can do to make a difference is not whatever work we do in the world around us. It's to turn inwards and work to become conscious of the stories we're participating in and our roles in them.

We can make small changes to our lives by tweaking our existing stories. But a BIG change, to a completely different kind of story where control and force are no longer the only means by which we can make a difference, can't take place from inside the old story.

Before we can make a change that big, we have to step out of the old story and specifically out of our role in it, so that then we can avoid keeping the old story alive by our participation in it.

The sure way we can contribute, regardless of our circumstances

Our role was initially assigned to us before we were old enough to examine it. We may then have continued to reassign it to ourselves, over and over, as adults.

No wonder nothing really changes.

Our work now is to stop, examine the story and our role in it carefully, and consider if this is really what we came here for.

I'm not saying this is easy. It's not. But it is the most effective way we can participate in the process of bringing a new story into being.

It's the one sure way we can contribute that's within our reach regardless of our circumstances.

The space between stories, relaxing the intellect, accessing the heart's wisdom

The phrase, "the space between stories" comes from Charles Eisenstein's work. In the video, Charles says (again I'm paraphrasing and drawing on his other work as well):

"The space between stories does not mean that you just sit there and do nothing. It's a place that you enter and actively participate in the dissolution of the old story-- you let go of your old ways of being and believing, your old understanding of things that might actually be part of the problem."

The dissolution of the old story is necessary to clear space for the new story. This involves sitting in the painful, uncontrollable not-knowing-what-to-do place that we enter when we are finally able to get out of our heads and stop trying to analyze, control, and direct.

So this is the work: the active participation in the dissolution of the old story. It's the work of dropping out of our heads and into our hearts, and holding space for what we find there without trying to fix it, force it, or rush it.

The stories are in our heads. The space between the stories is where we can access the wisdom of the heart.

When we drop down into our bodies and into our hearts, often enough and for long enough, guidance becomes available that's simply not accessible when we're in our heads. 

When you feel like it's all getting worse, not better

One last caveat. This work won't be easy or fun, and it might make things feel like they're getting worse. Your inner critic and your intellectual parts will want you to drop this crap and return to the fray. If you're anything like me, the voices of these parts of you will be relentless and it may feel like you have lost your way.

I very much doubt that you have. 

Apparent insanity on the part of an individual is actually a very healthy response to an insane world. 

Hang in there. You are not as alone as it feels, you are not crazy, and your inner work really matters. It matters to the hurting parts of you, and to the world around you. 

Related reading

• The "space between stories" is a phrase and concept that Charles Eisenstein first described in this essay in 2013. Then, in 2017, he wrote a shorter, more personal essay about how he himself was navigating the space between stories.
  
• To me, the space between stories has parallels to the moment between cycles that holds the wisdom gleaned from the previous cycle and the potentiality of the new one that is about to begin. Read more in this section of "The Dark Moon - Realigning Ourselves with the Rhythm of Life."
• If you related to the section above on Trying to be good (and failing), you might like these posts on the topic of the inner critic: Overwhelm and Anxiety - is this what's triggering them?" and "What You Were Meant to Learn About Mistakes, and what to do if you didn't." 
• In the section above on The story of modernity: "Control for the sake of progress", I wrote how we thought that the story of control and progress seemed to be working because  "each generation was better off than the previous one." I explored that idea a few years ago in "The Seductions of Science and Technology."

For my whole life I've wrestled with nervous system dis-regulation and all the things that go with that. Anxiety, overwhelm, and insomnia are three of the big ones for me.

I've used lots of tools and strategies along the way; one that I've found consistently helpful is focusing on my breath. You could call it breath awareness or intentional breathing.

It's taken me some practice to get in the habit of:

1. noticing that I'm tense, dis-regulated and scattered, and that my breathing feels restricted
2. focusing on my breath (even though its often initially uncomfortable)
3. staying focused on my breath (or bringing my attention back when it wanders) until the tightness eases and my breath can go deeper -- success!

That whole process can take as little as 3 to 5 breaths. (If I'm really tense and have been forgetting to do it, I might have to repeat the process several times before I get that sense of relief.)

It's taken me a while to get the hang of it, but as I've gotten better at it the benefits have been out of all proportion to the simplicity of the practice.

Here are three of the reasons I've become an advocate for the practice of conscious breathing, mindful breathing, or as I like to call it, "breathing myself home."

1. Focusing on your breath is restful and refreshing

Focusing on your breath can nourish and refresh you in ways that stressed out modern people don't even realize they're missing out on.

Try it. For three in breaths and three out breaths, just be with your breath. Let your breath bring you home to yourself.

Follow your breath inward. Be open, receptive, curious, about what you might find inside there where your breath goes.

Don't try to breath more deeply or slowly, just observe. Be ready to follow your breath deeper and feel the deliciousness of slowing down, when your body invites you. 

If nothing changes at first, that's ok. Repeat the process again the next time you think of it. (Consider how you could prompt yourself to remember to do it more often.)

Sooner or later, I feel confident that you'll experience a shift. For me, when the shift comes, several things happen. My breath slows down and deepens. A spaciousness opens up inside of me. Tension melts away.

Body tissues that have been tight and exhausted get to relax. Flow and ease (which could be our natural state -- just ask a cat) are restored.

2. Focusing on your breath brings you home to yourself

In my experience, awareness of your breath brings you into your body. To borrow words from Thich Nhat Hanh, it brings you "home." 

Our only true and unassailable home is "what the Buddha called the island of self, the peaceful place inside us,"². I say "unassailable" because it's the only home that, with practice, can literally become a safe sanctuary that's unaffected by outside events.

The severity of outside events that your safe island of Self can withstand obviously varies with practice and nervous system capacity. To me, practicing and building my capacity for this is SO worthwhile.

I'd go as far as to say its life-changing.

3. Using your breath to bring yourself into presence can give you back your time

I'm one of those people who never has enough time. There's always more to do than there is time to do it, and with this comes a sense of anxiety, hurry, and overwhelm.

I'm finding that dropping everything to focus on three to five full breaths (which doenst take long!) is giving me back my time.

Really. It makes time slow down, and the hustle recedes as the spaciousness inside me expands. What a relief!

To paraphrase some of THich Naht Hanh's wisdom on this:

Did I pay attention to my breath today?

If you keep a journal, even just a very sporadic one, try putting a prompt in there that you'll see each time you write in your journal (use a post it note for paper journals):

"Did I pay attention to my breath today?"

Related

The post "Emotional Regulation: 3 Simple Practices for Peace This Holiday Season" has more on short, simple breathing practices that can help when we get anxious, tense, or scattered. 

Note: I wrote this post in December 2025, for the holiday season. But the principles in it apply all year round -- any time you or anyone around you needs emotional or nervous system support. 

Social gatherings and even just family meal times are supposed to be enjoyable. But the hope or expectation for connection and good feelings often creates pressure on us to "perform."

We want to be fun and light-hearted and patient and present for our kids and each other, but we may also be stressed out, exhausted, and hustling, and the to-do list never gets any shorter.

For many of us this spells an invitation to the inner critic, who starts relentlessly cracking the whip to make sure we're up to snuff.

And along with all that pressure, for some of us the holiday season also awakens an aching emptiness inside which can never be filled with tinsel and material gifts. Because while we're trying to meet other people's needs, there's also a little child inside each of us that needs our presence and attention.

This is what our own parents may not have been able to give to us when we were small. And if presence and connection is lacking internally, then the harder we try to be provide this for the people around us the more impoverished we feel internally -- leading to bitterness and resentment.

Strings of fairy lights

Picture a big Christmas tree with lots of strings of fairy lights threaded all over and through its branches.

Each string of lights makes its own pattern on the tree.

But not all the strings of lights are working the same. Some keep blinking on frantically and constantly; others are inhibited -- they're dim, or they don't light up at all.

These strings of lights winking on and off represent the neural activity in your brain. (See the Extras section down the bottom for more clarity on this, if you want to.)

It could be said that each string of fairy lights represents a "part" of you. 

You know how sometimes we say things like, “There’s a part of me that enjoys the holiday season and a part of me that doesn't" --well, "parts"are a thing.

Each part of you is like a child in a family -- your own inner family of parts. (Hence the name for the mental health modality that I'm describing - it's called "Internal Family Systems".)

When needy ones make trouble

In our internal family systems, there are parts that did not get their needs met when we were little. And just like in the "real" families that gather around tables during the holiday season and other social occasions, sometimes the parts whose needs have not been met will make trouble.

Because even though there are no "bad" parts, none of our parts have the full picture. And many of them are functioning at the level of a small, distressed child.

That's why on our imaginary Christmas tree, some strings of fairy lights shine frantically and some are dim or don't shine at all -- the needy, distressed parts are taking up all the brain space, effectively shutting the rest of the system down or causing it to malfunction.

Playing with the fairy lights

Now, imagine that a calm, curious, compassionate, confident, courageous, creative being is playing with the strings of fairy lights.

Tuning into them to understand what they need. Soothing and attending to the loud, controlling ones so that they can relax and make space for other parts; helping the shy, inhibited, doubtful ones shine brighter. So now there are more lights turned on, and they're all shining more harmoniously.

In other words, you are more emotionally regulated and your brain is functioning at something closer to its true capacity.

Who is this calm, compassionate being?

It's you, when you are in a state of emotional regulation - a state of clarity and connection. In Internal Family Systems this is called the "Self." Ideally, your Self is a bit like a parent to all the parts.

A lot of intensity

As I write, Christmas is a few weeks away. Families are trying to come together, or dealing with the feelings that arise when they can't, or when coming together hurts.

What if the single most useful, productive thing you could do to ease things is to take care of your internal family, so you can be more regulated and resourced for whatever is going on in your outer world?

Paradoxically, this care and attention for yourself is far more important than any task on your to-do list. Less urgent, probably, but more important. So, here are three suggestions that might help.

1. Take three conscious breaths

Begin with three breaths. Without trying to change your breathing at all, just follow it. Be open, receptive, curious, about what you might find inside there where your breath goes.

My 14 year old son calls this "breathing on manual," and he says that as soon as you pay attention to your breath, it feels awkward and you "forget how to breath."

If that feels like what happens for you when you focus on your breath, just stay with it. You can handle it for three breaths.

The awkwardness is  the sensation of your brain having to get out of autopilot and light up strings of fairy lights that are normally dark.

More fairy lights means more capacity.

Try making a habit of taking three conscious breaths each time you transition from one place or task to another.

With a bit of practice, this simple act of focusing on your breath and following it inward might lead to your breath slowing down and deepening.

A little bit spaciousness might open up inside you.

Some of your tension may diminish, a little or a lot.

You might even feel a sigh of relief from your constricted parts.

(I wrote more about this in "Breathe Yourself Home.")

2. Try this 5-breath meditation from Thich Nhat Hanh

Here's a short breath meditation from the book Silence by Buddhist Monk and peace activist, Thich Nhat Hanh.

This requires that you pay attention for 5 full breaths. You can do it. Repeat after me:

"Breathing in, I know I'm breathing in ...

Breathing out, I know I'm breathing out

Breathing in, my breath grows deep ...

Breathing out, my breath grows slow

Breathing in, I feel my body ...

Breathing out, I calm my body

Breathing in, I smile ...

Breathing out, I release

Breathing in, I'm in the present moment ...

Breathing out, I enjoy the present moment."

For me, when I try to smile on the fourth in-breath, I'm sure it looks more like a grimace. It's awkward. More under-used strings of fairy lights are being coaxed into lighting up. But smile or no smile, I'm happy to report that every time i remember to use this practice, I feel better.

I also use it with changes to the wording, according to my need:

"Breathing in, I acknowledge my anxiety ... 

Breathing out, I release my anxiety.

Breathing in, I acknowledge my fear ...

Breathing out, i release my fear.

Breathing in love ...

Breathing out gratitude."

Don't be fooled by the apparent simplicity. Remember, you're not trying to impress another adult; you're trying to sooth your inner 4 year old.

3. As well as your breath, use your finger tips

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. It's also often just called "Tapping," because it involves tapping with your finger tips on acupressure points on your face and upper body to send calming signals that let the alarm centers in your brain know it's safe to relax. Meaning, more lights can come on.

Even if you don't know anything about EFT, it's very simple to use in combination with your breath for "inner first aide."

(Later, I'd encourage you to learn more about EFT -- see the Extras down the bottom -- but this is a way to get some of its benefits right now, without needing to know anything about it beyond what I've just told you.)

Here are the steps:

• If you've never tapped before, tap 7 to 10 times gently with your finger tips on each of the points, following the chart below, to get a feel for it. Start with the "side of the hand" point, then follow the others as they're numbered. (Skip the "gamut" point for now, you don't need it for this exercise.)

• Once you're familiar with tapping on the points, pause, take a breath, then start again from the beginning.
  
• Tap 7 to 10 times on the "side of the hand" point while you breathe in. Tap 7 to 10 times on the "top of the head" point while you breathe out.
• Continue to follow the chart for the rest of the points -- breathe in as you tap on one point; breathe out as you tap on the next one. It doesn't matter which points you breathe in for and which you breathe out for. It doesn't matter if you miss a point or do them in the wrong order. You cant get this wrong.
• Ask your inner critic part to give it at least one full round of tapping without worrying about how you're doing.
• Then, once you start to get the hang of it, slow. Way. Down. Slow your tapping. Invite your breath to slow. Lengthen your out-breath to be a bit longer than your in-breath. Your breathing my grow deeper all by itself -- what a relief
• Tap lightly, softly, with love and compassion and care and attention. Be as gentle with yourself as you would with a little child.
  

Well done you 

You've just generated a few moments of peacefulness in your internal world. 

Take a moment to cherish yourself and congratulate yourself.

In the culture and times that most of us are finding ourselves in right now, this is the most counter-intuitive work there is -- and by far the most needed.

May your in-breath be deep, your out-breath be long, and all your strings of fairy lights shine in harmony at least occasionally during times of stress, including but not limited to the holiday season  

Extras

On strings of fairy lights to represent neural activity in your brain:

The main signaling cells of the brain are the neurons (the "fairy lights"), each with connections to other neurons that create neural "pathways" (the "wiring"). 

When a neural pathway has been reinforced by strong emotions and/or by lots of repetition, the connections between those neurons get stronger and this pathway becomes more like a "super highway" - easy to follow and hard to find an exit from. 

In my amateur understanding and in my personal experience, each distressed "part" -- for example, the critical part, the anxious part, the appeasing part, the overwhelmed part -- has its own well-worn neural pathways. Healing all this distress involves teaching the parts of myself that they can make new pathways, behave in new ways, and in doing so, light up new parts of my entire nervous system (not just my brain) that have long been shut down. 

I learned to think about all of this in this way partly from this excellent set of videos  (5 videos, each 12 to 20 minutes long).  

On EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique): 

Scroll down to the diagram in this article for a good guide on the acupressure points used in basic EFT, including the specific Chinese acupuncture meridian involved and specific ways each one of them can help you feel better.

Here's a good starting point if you'd like to learn more about EFT online. This organisation also has an Ap you can download to your phone. I have not tried the Ap, but I frequently reference the huge archive of articles on their website.

There are also some really great books about EFT. I can personally recommend the book Tapping by David Feinstein, Ph.D. and Donna Eden if you're in for a comprehensive deep dive, and there are many, many others.

The full moon is the moment in the lunar cycle of peak light, peak energy, peak everything (like the Summer Solstice in the annual solar cycle).

Before electricity, the full moon was when communities held celebrations because you could see all night long.

Also before electricity, the full moon was the friend of anyone whose work took them outside at night -- because you didn't have to stumble around in the dark. Obstacles were clearly revealed.

We're less in touch with the lunar cycle now that we don't rely on the moon to light our nighttime activities, but metaphorically speaking, the full moon can still "illuminate" what we need to "see more clearly" in our lives.

The full moon is a good time for acknowledging the good things

The full moon is an excellent time for celebrations. Take a moment while the energy is peaking, to count your blessings and acknowledge and celebrate your strengths, commitments, good intentions, and accomplishments. 

Can't find any? For three days in a row over the full moon period, in your journal or on a piece of paper, write:

"I'm grateful for [...].

"I acknowledge [...]"

(Not sure what to acknowledge? Pick something good about you, something you've achieved, or even just something you haven't given up on. It gets easier with practice.)

And finally, write

"I want [...]" 

(Acknowledging our desires, especially the ones we don't want to admit to, is a way of honoring them -- which is much healthier and kinder than ignoring or suppressing them³. 

The full moon illuminates what's standing in our way  

Sometimes it feels hard to find much to celebrate, or any authentic desires.

Sometimes all I see at the full moon is obstacles. Frustration. Flare-ups of difficult patterns that just keep hanging on no matter how hard I try to shake them off.

The full moon brings a kind of "peak illumination" to whatever needs our attention. Whatever we've been avoiding addressing in our lives.

"What is obvious--fully illuminated--in my life right now?" is a question I ask as the full moon approaches⁴.

"What is most intense, obvious, or compelling; what is demanding my attention right now?"

"What am I compelled to notice?"

Don't be discouraged if all you see is obstacles. Obstacles present themselves to us more clearly and insistently when we're ready to resolve them.

Until then, they hide in the shadows. We stumble over them, we know they're there, but we don't see them clearly until we're ready to resolve them.

When we're ready, when we "see" clearly--not before--the insight, teacher, support, or resources we need show up. The situation resolves itself, one way or another. (Maybe not comfortably.) 

Our job in the meantime is to pay attention.

Right now, give your full attention to whatever feels intense in your life as this full moon approaches. Feel what you've been avoiding feeling. 

Where is it in your body? Does it have a colour? A shape? A texture? How might a small child describe it?

Identify how it feels in your body to be so blocked, miserable, frustrated, whatever. Be with it to whatever degree feels do-able for you right now. 

Take a long, deep, slow breath into the part of your body where you feel the sensations. Slower. Deeper. 

Then let your breath out.

Slowly.

Even slower.

Keep breathing out until your lungs are empty, and then breath out a bit more.

Do that three times: breathe into the sensations; breathe out slowly and completely. Make your out breath longer than your in breath.

Sometimes it helps to hum as you breathe out. Tunefully or not, it doesn't matter. When I hum, I sound like a drone or a bumble bee⁵.

Now. Now, you're paying attention.

And when you're paying attention (as opposed to just coping) you're more likely to recognize the help you need when it shows up (in whatever form it comes).

Related reading 

What will the Full Moon Reveal for You?

No one person can meet all of another person's needs. We need a village not just to raise a child but also to raise ourselves, be ourselves, heal ourselves, and see into the depths of ourselves.

(The closest one person does come to meeting all of another's needs is in the relationship between a mother and her new-born, the "mamatoto⁶.  But even a mama--especially a mama--needs the support of her family, and her family needs a village.)

So what is a "village," and why does every human being need one?

What is a village?

My definition of a healthy "village" in a modern context is a group of people who work together to meet each other's psychological needs.

Ideally, our village would consist of families -- parents and children, and also uncles, aunties, grandparents, and friends - all the diversity and treasure of the human experience. In various times and places, our village members would also work together to meet each other's needs for food, shelter, etc, in a reciprocal ways that build and cement relationships.

Sadly, a village now rarely includes of all these different age groups. And the growth economy has replaced the need for us to rely on one another for our practical needs. So, we just have to build our villages with what we have.

But a village is not a nuclear family.

A village is not a couple.

It is not two friends.

It is also not a small group of close friends, although that's a step in the right direction.

And why do we need one?

We're all familiar with the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child." We know that the needs of babies, children, and adolescents are beyond what parents alone can meet. That's all obvious, especially if you're a parent.

But I think there's a gap in our understanding that we--each of us as human beings--need a "village" whether or not we have children.

There's an assumption in our culture that a couple, or two close friends, can be everything for each other. In my opinion that simply is not true.

To begin to illustrate why, here's a personal story about my past tendency to put myself in situations that invariably led to what felt like a betrayal of trust. 

What happens when we try to make one person into a village

I said "felt like," because in the experiences I'm thinking of, my friends had no intention of betraying my trust. The situations I got myself into came about because without realizing I was doing it, I had tried to make a single friend into an entire village.

I had a pattern of doing what Kelly Brogan calls "looking for eggs at the hardware store" -- going looking for unconditional love and support where it isn't available.

I'm sure you can guess how that went.

A healthy village can meet most needs

I've come to the conclusion that it's neither possible nor desirable for one person to love another unconditionally and without boundaries (duh)⁷.

But a village full of people is another matter entirely. A healthy village can nourish the hungriest of hearts⁸.

In simple terms, this is possible because different members of the village can be available unconditionally by turns. When one person is offline or needy or temporarily dysfunctional because their own shadow material--their own unmet needs--have been triggered, somewhere else in the village there is another person who is fully present in this moment and able to step into the gap. 

When there are enough stable and resourced adults in a community to meet the practical needs (childcare, logistics, etc) and the mental/emotional/spiritual support that people need from each other, everything gets so much easier.

Good villages are hard to find

I read Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept when my first child was a baby. That's when I first began to understand what a village is and why I needed one. I spent the next 7 years searching for my "tribe," and you probably don't need me to tell you that good tribes can be very hard to find. 

Eventually I found the homeschooling community that my family and I have now been part of for around 10 years, but even then I continued to struggle with feeling lonely and unsupported for many more years.

The reason for that had to do with my assumption that once I found a village -- tadah!! all my problems would be solved.

Alas, it doesn't work like that. The reason that good tribes (or villages) are hard to find is because actually you don't find them, so much as build them. And you build them from the inside out.

Because the thing is that even if a village already exists for you to find it (and that's rare enough), you still bring yourself--your patterns and burdens--along with you. And that affects your experience of a village, whether it existed before you came along or not.

What we, as adults, receive from the village reflects what we bring to it

The function of a village in caring for babies and children is to meet their needs, no strings attached and no debt accrued. 

But adults both receive from and give to the village. We need a village in order to experience the connection that all humans need to thrive, and, as adults, we are the village. 

There's a paradox here: we are the village for each other, and for ourselves. The better we are at showing up for ourselves, being our own internal village, the better equipped we are to find/build and participate in/help maintain an external village.

The more we can give to ourselves, the more we'll have to give to others

Dr Kristin Neff, researcher and author on the topic of Self-Compassion, says

What do you need, right now? Can you give yourself a small dose, even a micro-dose, of what you need?

I know. You can't drop everything and go on holidays. But you can (for example) put your hands on your heart (or one on your belly and the other on your heart) and take 30, 60, or 90 seconds to just. be. with. whatever you find inside there.

If, while you're doing that, you find yourself wanting to sigh, yawn, fidget, lash out, numb out, cry, or hurry to do something else -- you'll know that that micro-dose of care and attention was sorely needed.

This is how you build a village.

Or perhaps it's how you lay the foundation for a village.

Whatever. 

The point is that a village is made up of people who can behave like adults at least some of the time -- and you can't do that (at least, not consistently) unless you're pretty good at putting your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help others.

Putting on your own oxygen mask means being able to turn inwards to be with your child parts when they need you. It means giving the same unconditional love, acceptance, and support that you would give to a child in your village, to the child inside you. Even (especially) when s/he is face down on the floor, kicking and screaming.

Learning how to identify and meet your own internal needs does not feel natural at first to anyone who has grown up in our culture. It's hard. But it's worth it. YOU are worth it.

And self-compassion practices gradually work to stabilize you internally⁹. so that as time goes by you'll have more to give externally.

***

So much for the unseen, inner work. What about the practical, external stuff?

Three practical village building tips

In "Finding Your Tribe," Teresa Pitman says that once you've found at least one other adult with whom to begin building your tribe (or village) there are three rules of thumb that will help:

• spend a good deal of time together
• work together 
• try not to be too picky

Here's some of what she had to say about each of these (edited for brevity):

Sometimes it just feels SO HARD

Things like time constraints, geographic isolation, lack of resources, or cultural barriers are all really good reasons why it might just feel impossible to build or access a village.

I know firsthand some of the barriers to meaningful connection that can seem utterly impassible. My childhood was so isolating, on so many levels, that loneliness was the air I breathed until long after my children were born. It was only when I looked at their childhoods and realized I wanted something different for them, that I recognized how lonely I was.

From the time I realized I needed one, it took me nearly 7 years to find a village. We moved across the world and then from one end of Queensland (Australia) to the other end, to set up house in an area that had a large, long-running homeschooling and LETS¹⁰ community. The only reason we moved to where we live today was to avail ourselves of the support we knew would be available in those two groups. 

So, we "found a ready made village." Tadah!

Well.

As a parent, the homeschooling community certainly helped me give my kids a better deal from the first time I attended one of the get-togethers.

But for me personally it took many more years to begin to feel that the hungriest inner parts of me were being nourished by the group -- and that didn't begin to happen until after I began to learn ways of effectively tending to my inner needs myself, first.

Don't wait to be rescued before you begin giving yourself the care and attention you need from others 

The moral of the story is this: don't make dramatic life changes or wait years before (or instead of) beginning to give yourself the care, attention, and support that you're longing to receive from others.

We made our big moves for a variety of reasons. The location we ended up choosing had to do with finding community, and I have no regrets at all about the choice we made. But it's still a work in progress.

Finding a community is one thing. Learning both how to serve, and also how to receive support from, a community is another. This is the work of adults--to serve and to receive--and it's ongoing. 

For me, in spite of finding a large, long running, like minded community "ready made" for our family, it didn't look like working out until after I finally began to learn to address what was going on inside of me rather than fruitlessly hoping for someone from outside of me to come along and rescue me. 

Only you can know if you need to pursue dramatic life changes in order to find your village, but I do have a suggestion: before you do anything drastic, think long and hard about the probability that if you take your inner dynamics with you, unchanged, you'll likely find the same external dynamics recurring in your new location or relationships as you were experiencing in the previous ones. 

The paradox of the village-building process

This is the paradox of the village-building process. The better we are at building our internal village, the more we can contribute to an external village that in turn helps us raise our children and ourselves.

I remember at least three occasions while my children were young, of being approached by other mothers of young children who were as lonely and needy as I was. My heart went out to them because I knew what they were going through, but I was unable to help them. A drowning person cannot help another drowning person.

So by all means reach out for the help you need. But don't wait any longer to begin your village building internally with self-care and self-compassion, in micro-doses if necessary, and to seek help if you need to.

In my experience, when the Universe (or God, or whatever you want to call It) sees you building a village internally, your prayer for an external village will then be taken seriously. After the internal village building is underway you'll begin to experience the synchronicities and opportunities that can to lead you toward your external village.

Related reading here on A Real Green Life

Where Am I Locating Power – Inside or Outside of Me?

Reconnecting Can Change Everything

The Power of Hindsight

Resources

Self-compassion for parents - PeacefulParentHappyKids.com

Self-compassion for everyone - Self-Compassion.org

Self-help for everyone using energy psychology (also sometimes called "Tapping" or "EFT"¹¹)  - EnergyTapping.com 

Basic/beginner EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) instructions and resources - EFTUniverse.com ¹²

Tapping: Self-Healing with the Transformative Power of Energy Psychology, a book by David Feinstein PhD and Donna Eden

Support for adults impacted by crappy childhoods - CrappyChildhoodFairy.com (she has lots of great YouTube videos, webinars, and a book, with another book on the way)

Finding Your Tribe, an article by Teresa Pitman

In the Absence of the Village, Mothers Struggle Most, an article by Beth Berry

A fix... any fix

When someone we care about is suffering or struggling, it's SO tempting to swoop in and apply a fix. Say something, do something, anything to stop the pain -- theirs, and the corresponding discomfort that their pain evokes in us.

It's uncomfortable to be around someone who is suffering precisely because it wakes up all that's unattended and unheld and suppressed within our own selves. We can't stand that, so we hurry to put a band aide over what-ever is hurting in the other person to quiet things down again, so we can get back to pretending we're fine.

But any action we take or anything we say from that place communicates to the other person that it's wrong of them to be hurting, that we reject them in the state they're in and will only accept them when they stop it. And then, on top of whatever difficult emotions they're experiencing, they feel unseen, unheard, and alone. Possibly even more alone than they might be feeling if we weren't there, trying to fix them.

No need for fixing, and no strings attached

What if we stopped trying to fix other people who are hurting? What if, instead, we could find the courage to just sit with them in that terribly uncomfortable space? What if we communicated, with or without words, something along the lines of: 

"You don't need fixing. I'm confident that in your own time and in your own way, you will sort this out. I'm here with you until then."

"Whatever's going on for you doesn't make me love you any less."

"I see you. You are not alone."

"I can hold you AND your pain until you're ready to resolve it."

"I won't belittle you by pretending to know the answer. I get that if there were an easy answer, you would already have applied it."

What if we could give a hurting person this gift of our unconditional acceptance and presence, without requiring that they pay for it by getting over their problem and feeling better so that we can feel better?

They don't need us to fix their problem. If they did, (if it was something like needing someone with a shifter instead of a hammer, or someone with stronger hands or someone taller) they would have just asked. "Hey, Friend, would you fix this for me?"

Tending to our own nervous system so that we can provide safety and holding for others

What a person who is in emotional pain and dis-regulation needs is for us to "loan" them, without strings attached, our calm, regulated nervous system. So that their jumbled and fragmented system can tap into ours and find respite, and then gradually, in its own time, put itself to rights. 

But we can't provide that for them if our own nervous system goes to pieces at the sight of their pain. So offering a suffering person what they really need (instead of just trying to fix them) requires us to tend to our own inner needs -- preferably as a regular practice, but also on the fly when we find ourselves in this situation with another person.

Which means that feeling that stab of urgency to fix someone's problem (when they're clearly emotionally upset or dis-regulated) is an opportunity. 

It's an opportunity to turn inwards and make space within yourself. Make space for your own sense of urgency and discomfort so that what-ever is hurting within you can receive the same respectful, compassionate holding that you simultaneously give to your friend.

No fixing required, and no strings attached.

Source

This post was inspired by Matt Licata's post, "Into a Vessel of Light"