What You Were Meant to Learn About Mistakes, and What to do if You Didn’t

As an adult, you know you can make mistakes. And Life has shown you that the consequences of some mistakes can be terrible. For many adults, fear of making a mistake is crippling.

It shows up in every aspect of your life. Without even knowing you're doing it, you just live a half life -- with the handbrake on all the time. This is the "inner critic" at work. 

What you were supposed to learn as a child 

As a small child, you were supposed to have the experience of feeling that you could do no wrong. That everyone you met wanted to hug or play with you, and that you could rely on your parents, uncles, aunties, and grandparents to protect and cherish you.

As you grew up, of course you discovered you could make mistakes. But ideally you also found that when you did, the people who loved you would step in and help you make it right.

You learned you could make amends for your mistakes, and that in the process you would grow stronger, wiser, more capable.

If you had that experience, you had a WAY better chance of growing up to be an adult who is not afraid of mistakes.

If you didn't, now that you're an adult it's up to you to find the child inside you, and find a way to give him or her what you missed out on.

Understanding your inner critic 

In recent years I've learned that my "inner critic" which looms so large in my life and often feels like it has me completely in its control, developed during my early childhood. Its purpose is to prevent me from taking risks that might get me into trouble.

It's the equivalent of a 5 year old suppressing her 4 year old sibling at any cost, to avoid drawing the attention of a punitive authority figure.  

Now, I understand that when I feel stuck and frustrated, when I find myself avoiding and procrastinating, when I have a vague sense that

"I've done something wrong and I'm gonna be in big trouble" 

... that's my  5 year old gatekeeper anxiously scanning the horizon for trouble. 

The antidote: compassionate self-leadership

So now when I feel those things, I say to my child-self,

"Honey, it's okay. There's a grown up here now to take care of everything. No one is mad at you, and there's no way you can fail at Life." 

In my experience, compassionate self-leadership is the only real antidote to that crippling fear, that tyrannical inner critic's voice that otherwise keeps you small and limited, fearful and hurting.