A Real Green Life, Without the “Shoulding”

In this post I explain what I mean by the term, "a real green life." I also touch on making sure that the "real green life" you build is regenerative for you personally, as opposed to becoming a life that wears you down with "shoulds" and judgements (of yourself or others).

"Real" has to do with...

For me, "real" in a personal context has to do with things like:

• Real values - exploring and developing your own values and being guided by them as much as possible.
• The real you - being open to learning more about who you really are - the vulnerable, innermost you, as opposed to who you think the rest of the world wants you to be. And making a sincere commitment to be as kind and inclusive toward the real you as you would be toward any one else.
• Real boundaries - practising saying "no" when it's the healthiest/most honest thing to say in terms of protecting the real, innermost you -- so that there's more oomph left over for the real YES you want to say. 

In terms of caring for your family's health, "real" has to do with:

• Real food - growing some of your own and making choices that nourish your family and the land/community that grew the food, as much as you can. 
• Real health - getting educated about the real alternatives to pharmaceuticals and what I call "quick fix medicine." And ditto for what you're willing to put on your skin, in your body, in your home, and in our soil, air, and water (and what you choose not to).

And finally, in every area of life, to me "real" has to do with:

• Real vs fake - practicing being able to see through the fakes, fads, and quick fixes. Ditching the substitutes and going after what you really need. For example, real vs fast food; real home-based healthcare vs pharmaceuticals; real, embodied, in-person hugs, tears, and laughter vs emojis.

"Green" has to do with regeneration

To me, "green" has to do with making choices that are regenerative, or at least that do as little harm as possible.

What does "regenerative" mean?

I like this definition¹:"powers or processes that allow something to heal or become active again after it has been damaged or inactive."

(I wrote about one example of such powers that is available to any of us in any moment, in the post "When 'Do Something' Fails, There is Another Way.")

In any moment of choice or decision, in any area of our lives we can ask, is this the most regenerative choice I can make? 

And in the absence of a regenerative choice (sometimes there isn't one, or there is but it's not realistically available to you at that moment in time), is this the least harmful action I can take?

The principle applies regardless of what it is you want to regenerate. You might be wanting to minimise harm or restore health to a garden bed or a whole garden or farm, a health issue for yourself or someone in your family, or a relationship.

Everything is connected

All the things I just mentioned--the garden bed, the farm, your family's health, your relationships--are interconnected with everything around them in ways that can't be measured or quantified.

And that means you can start where you are, and no action or choice is too small to matter. Caring for any of those things is a way of caring for all of them.

Even your internal acts of self-compassion or non-judgement are important. I'd go so far as to say that in some ways they might be more important than any of the other stuff.

Which leads me to what I've come to see as the critical element of self-compassion in a real green life.

A real green life is not one that wears you down with "shoulds," judgements, or eco-guilt

I began this "real and green" journey before my first child was born -- around 16 years before I wrote the first version of this post in 2023.

I learned a lot along the way that I'm deeply grateful for. I raised a healthier family than I would have without the real green approach, and I reduced mine and my family's ecological footprint compared to what it would otherwise have been.

BUT.

Gradually over the last few years it's dawned on me that I've also done an awful lot of "shoulding" on myself. I "should" do this and I "should not" do that, 'cause this is real and green, and that is not.

And an awful lot of judging and finger pointing, again because this is real and green, and that is not.

None of which has been regenerative, for me or anyone around me.

You cant do better by making yourself feel worse

So now (as I update this post in July 2026) I would add that it's okay to hold your real and green intentions and opinions lightly. Consider viewing them as being subject to change as you learn and grow.

I would also add that it's essential to be kind to yourself along the way.

How we treat our innermost selves (including the difficult feelings triggered inside us by those we want to judge and denounce) is a vote (conscious or not) for the kind of world we're calling into being.

For me, "real and green" has become as much about caring for what's most vulnerable and challenging inside of myself, as it is about my actions in the outside world.

Which (on the days I get it right, which still feel too rare but which I remind myself are slowly adding up) can help me feel more authentic and peaceful, and less frustrated or overwhelmed.